I always thought I knew what true love felt like, but not until I discovered I was living a terrible lie. From a young age in puberty I structurally cherished a deep romantic love for someone. I was convinced of my willingness to love that person, if they could only open their eyes. Unfortunately these emotions broke me every time and I ended up with an obsessive love controlling my life. However as years went by, I came to realize these romantic feelings weren´t based on giving love, they were based on the fear not to be loved. I could not give love, I only needed love to fill up the cracks inside. However this unconscious desire to be loved remained unanswered for many years until I managed to find another way to survive. I want to share this life-changing experience with you, not to persuade your behavior in any way, but to make you understand the story behind an amazing power within.
After years of reading spiritual literature, watching videos, making (self) analyses, writing poems and articles, and a lot of structural meditations I was able to create a big mindshift about my perception of love. For the first time in my life I really feel independent, since I changed the love of my life. Not for another romantic partner, nor for a good friend, even not for my parents. I found the love of my life inside. By the amazing power of meditation, I connected with the source of life, the universe or also well known as ‘’God’’. His love is free, unconditional, and strong and lives in everyone, but you have to open your heart to feel him. When this happens you are creating self-love, because God is already inside.
Some of you may find it hard to name God if you are not religious or spiritual, but God is not a big mystical phenomenon. It’s really just an energetic force responsible for gifting our planet with life. Mother Nature and her living creatures share this amazing energy force that interconnects all lifeforms. In order to be fully happy, we have to connect with this source of energy. By finding your inner self you are able to connect with other living species, Mother Nature and the universe.
In the past, I had difficulties with naming God, because I didn’t agree with religion at all. According to me religion narrows someone’s life by the obligation to follow some pre decided rules that every one of the group must follow or else they will be punished. This is an act out of fear, not of love or freedom, which the essence of spirituality is really about. But despite my opinion about religion I had some doubts. For example I wasn’t sure what really caused the existence of life, nor did I know for sure what would happen to me if I would die. To be fair I called myself an agonist; I didn’t accept the existence of God, nor did I deny his existence. Without any real experience of God I could not know the truth.
Not until the moment when I was in emotional pain and listened to a guided meditation of Deepak Chopra, one of the biggest nowadays spiritual icons. I was instructed to forgive the person I was holding a grudge against. I cried deeply during this meditation, but finally I surrendered myself to the protection of the gods that Deepak Chopra was naming. Suddenly, I sensed a warm feeling in my chest and it felt like I was receiving love from someone. This was not from any person, since there were no other people around. I knew for sure I had experienced God for the first time.
After this breakthrough I experienced God several other times. I discovered that when I verbally expressed my love for God, I got that same feeling in my heart. But I also felt him when I felt emotionally troubled and surrendered myself by giving away my burdens to God, because he wants to take away our pain. A great relief fell of my shoulders, I knew from then that I wasn´t alone anymore. With each day I feel more joy, love and strength thanks to my connection with the source I was able to make, but also by practicing daily meditations and self-study. I continue to prolong my spiritual journey.
I found the love of my life, waiting a quarter of my life just to see my eyes.
Written by Sadja Faili