January, named after Janus. In the Roman Mythology, Janus is God of the beginning and ending, or opening and closing. Or in my opinion: the beginning of a new year, after the old one’ s closed. Maybe that’s the reason why we think about our intentions? Old year is gone, doors are closed and ready to be opened for something new. What’s waiting when I (re)open my doors?
To be honest I didn’t really think about goals, intentions or things like that. Without knowing I closed my ‘daily life’ door and opened the door to the holidays. Time passed by quickly and before I knew it I was celebrating Christmas and New Year’s Eve. But slowly – maybe unconsciously – I started to think about my goals. I thought about my position in life, where do I stand today and where do I want to be at the end of this year. Is one year a reasonable timeframe or..? For now I think I want to open the door to inner peace and keep it open for as long as I can. It’s too easy to shut down when things get tough. I could slam the door for you, but honestly, would YOU be the reason, or is it just something that reflects MY insecurities? Normally, I would cut you off and run away, but last year I’ve learned to stay open, focused and most of all, to stay calm. But to get there, oh my, I really had to open and close some personal doors.
Since my younger years I had this unknown feeling, this kind of hunger for always more. More time, more fun, more perfection, which leads to more exhausting. It’s quite frustrating when your ‘hunger’ asks for more and you can’t feed it. So it was time to do something about that. Still my hunger, but how? Thinking, overthinking, confusing…
After I had my session of EMDR, I ended up even more confused. It felt like my brain was more messed up then at the beginning. But somehow – after a while – it felt like everything was brighter. I actually felt better, more secure. I straighten my back and swallowed the last lump in my throat. The door was closed. Not that I couldn’t open it again, but my point of view was changed, it was more natural.
So after that I felt more at ease and got into Zen meditation. Sometimes you feel time is right for things. For a long time meditation wasn’t the solution – or I thought it wasn’t – but now it felt right. My entire me was at ease. Finally, I found a place where I could learn to breathe properly. I’m still in my beginnings, but I already can say it brought me a lot of inner peace. In a short time I felt more comfort in meditation. But most of all, I learned to accept things and thoughts. The mind can wander, let it wander and focus on breathing. It doesn’t have to mean you’re lost. We all have a point in life where we might feel short of breath – in many different ways – but now I’m able to keep on breathing. It’s more quiet in my body and mind. Where I used to feel stress and tremblings, I try to stay calm now. It’s alright to be nervous, don’t judge yourself, really, it’s ok. Of course there can be times when it’s difficult and emotions run high, that’s absolutely possible. Things can’t go perfect all the time. But how we manage things and continue, that’s what counts.
In this new year I want to continue meditation, because it will support me in different ways. When new, unknown doors open, when that feeling of excitement hits you, I can go back to focus on breathing. It makes me feel more calm so I can enjoy the things around me. As if foggy air disappears right in front of me. Clear the air, clear my mind and face the year with an open (door) view.
So that door – my ‘inner peace’ door – is open and through dust and dirt I want to try to keep it open. Even in hard times, I want to try to keep my focus. And one open door leads to more, to what exactly, that’s something I have to see. I think I don’t want to plan things as much as I did before, but just go with the flow, be in the moment and enjoy everything that knocks on my door.
Open your door, open your mind, focus and breathe with me.
Photo credit Kyki Vermaire